Who am I ? - Religion, A Question of Identity

I am a Hindu woman married into a Hindu household. Mostly, I am seen upholding the religious values of either side of the family. Every time I stand with a thaali( a ceremonious plate with flowers and earthern-lamp) in my hand, I look up to the Godly figures in hope that one day I would reconcile with my conflicted feelings. This duality in existence is rather tiring. The day-to-day existence of pretense has often been casually dubbed as hypocrisy while being blind to the threat that comes with being or speaking differently. I represent my culture, yet I don’t. The paradox has often come in between relationships that I hold dear. The rituals when observed are seen as sign of devotion and obedience. This hypocrisy lets me live with the people I value, share their color and joy of festivities. For me, it acts as an interlude to the monotony, for it is a key factor in bringing people together and it’s comforting to see smiles . An outcast from mind, but a socialiser from heart tries everyday to wear several hats. I am a rebel but also a humanitarian. Neither I lose sight of right or wrong nor do I lose sight of people around me. I come to terms with pointed fingers when held accountable, for being labelled as a people-pleaser or a coward by coming as a person who doesn’t have the heart to bruise. 

Do I need religion? How do I utilise my religious identity? 

Yes, for social, legal and political reasons. I utilize my identity to become an active member of the society by assigning myself as such in institutions where my credentials are required. 

I think, that’s the role of religion I have carved out of myself. My disconnect begins where it starts to symbolize the ideals my reasoning mind rebels to. In search of my kind, I just put my thoughts to paper thinking they would also feel the same in the struggle when going through it.