While sometimes children have no choice but to become an extension of their parent’s ego and preferences, after marriage even sons-in-law or daughters-in-law aren’t spared from becoming one!
Rubbing on relatives your net worth at weddings is as mandatory as having gulab jamun with ice cream, if available! At a family wedding, I had been wearing and carrying two kinds of carats - 22 and 18! While the 22 carat flaunted my neck, the non-flashy 18 carat was in my bag. In the two different carats, clashed the two different generations. For some reason, I never liked attending weddings and this is definitely one of the reasons- the pressure to keep up with the norms. The world of caratage is as murky as the cooking oil at the weddings.
Gold at weddings is the OG, even if you gift a dot. A gold’s supposed value is related to the worth of the person. In my parent’s generation, the weight of gold is directly proportional to the nearness of the person. The nearer, the heavier in value. A family’s izzat, reputation relies on it and my father had outrageous standards for an honest government employee. He valued quality and compromised on nothing. Although, I couldn’t keep up with the convent school education and have less slant towards eating green, I admire his snobbery on quality healthcare and education.
As I grew up, unknowingly, I had internalised some of his snobberies. It took time to dissociate myself from my father’s image to see my husband’s perspective on choosing something classy that fits the pocket rather than submitting to the anxiety of norms. It was only after purchasing a pair of earrings, I started reading about the market share of low carat jewellery. The taste of younger crowd and the rising price of gold has kind of shaken the foundation of established norms. Though my father still couldn’t fathom the idea, I kept on showing him various low carat jewellery outlets while shopping for the wedding. At one point, it felt like justification; I dropped the idea completely to bring him on the same page.
My way of budgeting can’t be same as theirs or anyone else’s and I am sticking to it.
My father didn’t coax me into spending extra but I sensed his disappointment as well as disapproval. Is it not pressurising and mentally draining to be around someone who doesn’t align with your thought process and value system? Though I respect my father’s choice, I will never go above and beyond for someone without prioritising my own needs first. I have seen my father going to frustrating lengths for the comfort of others while his own family born out of him bore the brunt. Even though my mother, brother and I weren’t left wanting, I found it irrational at times. It satisfied my father in living upto the image of family man, the eldest among his male siblings in the family. His bank balance had always been inversely proportional to the praises and the hurtful sighs of my mother and sometimes his children. Above all, he cherished his giver side.
As the market balanced itself after Covid, so did my father’s generosity. I wouldn’t classify his actions as people-pleasing completely because it takes courage and good will to spend your hard-earned money on someone. But when he couldn’t draw a line, time did. Only later in life, he learnt to some extent that reciprocation isn’t always the same. All my life, I saw my father juggling chores and showing up for people either with money or being there . The lockdown wedding was the shock of his life! Like every middle-class father, he just wanted reciprocation, at least in terms of people if not money spent on gifts( though he secretly wished his son-in-law to be felicitated in the same manner as he did for others if not his own daughter).
The lockdown wedding ceremony was a As the market balanced itself after Covid, so did my father’s generosity. I wouldn’t classify his actions as people-pleasing completely because it takes courage and good will to spend your hard-earned money on someone. But when he couldn’t draw a line, time did. Only later in life, he learnt to some extent that reciprocation isn’t always the same. All my life, I saw my father juggling chores and showing up for people either with money or being there . The lockdown wedding was the shock of his life! Like every middle-class father, he just wanted reciprocation, at least in terms of people if not money spent on gifts( though he secretly wished his son-in-law to be felicitated in the same manner as he did for others if not his own daughter). lesson for my father and the Indian jewellery market. My father’s generosity and the wastage in the making of gold jewellery became one- an avoidable expense that doesn’t need to be incurred unless for someone really dear. Though the wedding left a bitter taste, he has come to terms with it. With us, rationality is a hedge against uncertain times, not gold !