Way before my husband and I exchanged garlands, I was well-exposed to the satellites orbiting this celestial body. While Science indicates wherever humans go, they create a tribe for themselves. Not until recently, I realised that it’s not just the family set-up which is patriarchal but even male friendship has a patriarchal set-up too. Unintentionally, I had turned into one of the  wives who had an equal role to play in furthering the set-up over the years. 

While male friendship remains the same, the wives don’t get to ‘choose’ who they want to be friends with. I realised this when one of the tribals, I call him the Shakespearean fool, complained of having a difficult wife! The wife left everything-as custom deems it fit- for the man who doesn’t even let her have a say in what people she allows into her life, with whom she wants to socialise and to what degree! I was patriarchal in categorising the woman as unfriendly when she refused to RSVP. But then, I was taken back to my initial days with the tribe. 

Marriage is sacred, even more sacred for a middle-class family whose claws are already clipped and tongue tied. Marriage is, thus, a sacred survival! Parts of you fight the confusion and implode in the claustrophobia of the four walls. Sedated, you grow numb to the pangs of your own heart. When I entered the tribe, I had been having a hard time to fit-in and get along. Clearly, I couldn’t be what I wanted to be. It’s not expected out of a woman to speak her mind. With time, I had started to let go parts of me to be malleable thus tribal. Eventually, I was a massive failure and chose to drop out. 

Take it from an Honours student who has graduated with a three year degree in her married life- marriage takes work and it outlasts friendships. No matter, how many of you swore that friendship is the purest form of relationship; in the deeper recesses of your heart, you would still want a family you want to build and grow old with. Looking back at the bloody semesters, a woman who has a hard time gelling up with her spouse has to face even a harder  time getting along with his tribe. While lakhs of conversation fail before one good conversation to happen with your husband, the amount of mental and emotional labor is unthinkable to extend it to his tribe as well. You literally bend the knee! Bend the rules for him. But, you need saving too.

When the generosity of time and space is withheld and not extended enough to you, your first impression remains your last with whom you don’t brunch or share your coffee often. No regrets on that front but it is never late to embrace your own distinctness again while making new rules with your husband. This time with experience!