Most of the time, you pick a book, and at times a book picks you. Before letting you know how I stumbled upon
this book, I would like to highlight the fact that this is the third self-help
book, the last two being “Don’t Believe Everything You Think!” and “Tiny
Little Things”. The latter two were gifted to me on my birthday by my husband, and at present, the book I am about to discuss fell out of his office bag while
pulling out a charger cable. Had it not been for the roughness of times, I could have
dissuaded myself from discarding it as some corporate motivation mumbo jumbo. But THIS
IS IN FACT THE BOOK I NEEDED THE MOST! After reading two self-help books from
the start of the year, I swore to take a break from birthday reads, finding
it a monotonous replay of painful memories, although thoughtfully gifted, but it
kind of bogs you down to be at the receiving end of circumstances. This was the
line of thought ‘The Courage to be Disliked Challenged’- the superiority complex,
denial and self-pity, among others. Reading, understanding, reflecting and
jotting down my thoughts and learnings to share them with the world gives me a
sense of responsibility to present a review in a simple and straightforward
manner. The book was holding my finger all along when I embarked on a journey
of reading it. To accept and let go of some of the most heart-wrenching
experiences and come out of it is no child’s play, but the book is determined
to take you to water. If ‘Don’t Believe Everything You Think’ was a spark, then ‘The
Courage to be Disliked’ was a cathartic fire.
Psychology has always had my
interest, and the book has brought to the surface the ideas of Alfred Adler, one of
the lesser-known giants of the triumvirate: Sigmund Freud, Carl Jung and Alfred
Adler. The philosophical ideas, psychological inquiries and teachings are presented
in a dialogue form between a philosopher and a young man. The narration is
divided into Five Nights with a theme and a list of sub-themes. Here, I will
divide the most conspicuous of my learnings into the five themes in the following
paragraphs. Before starting, the author duo Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitare Koga, in
the afterword, delineate their experiences of encountering Alderian psychology and
cultivating their rapport on bringing out a stupendous success. What Plato was
to Socrates, Kishimi was to Adler, and Koga was to Kishimi. Don’t miss it!
The Austrian psychiatrist, Alfred
Adler, established a new school of psychology in line with Greek philosophy.
Originally, one of the core members of the Vienna Psychoanalytic Society, besides
Freud and Jung, he broke away from the group owing to differences in ideas and “proposed
an ‘individual psychology’ based on his own original theories.” In short, Adler’s
psychology at its core is ‘realisation’, which requires fuller comprehension.
Now this is where the first learning begins! ADLER DENIES TRAUMA, thereby completely
denying the fact that an individual’s present is shaped by an individual’s
past. He also emphasises the fact that people can change by drawing a
difference between ‘aetiology’ and ‘teleology’. He says,’ We are not determined
by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining.’ Another
says, ‘No matter what has occurred in your life up to this point, it should
have no bearing at all on how you live from now on.’
The most engaging conversations
and learnings were drawn out from ‘The Second Night’, emphasising, ‘All problems
are interpersonal problems.’ What hits hard as a reader is that needing fear or
anything as an excuse to not admit to one’s inability. What Adlerian psychology
focuses on is encouragement, a push to take one step forward regardless of the
consequences. Furthermore, can you accept yourself as you are now? Most
probably, you dislike yourself because you don’t want to be disliked and end up
feeling hurt. Alder also points out that one goal is to dislike oneself to
avoid interpersonal relationships. If an inferiority complex is an excuse, then the pursuit of superiority is the way forward. One indulges in a superiority complex because one can’t accept one’s incapable self, and also uses misfortune to one’s
advantage. You are truly an ‘inhabitant of aetiology’ if you see interpersonal
relationships as some sort of competition. Of all the Nights, the Second has
been the enlightening. You might find these teachings oft-heard, but when you
fulfil your role as a reader, these learnings get entwined with the episodes
from the past to make way for a clearer understanding.
‘The Third Night’ focuses on the
separation of tasks. No matter what you do or wherever you go, you can’t escape
interpersonal relationships. It is within a community; we identify ourselves as
individuals. This part of the book doesn’t offer much more than the title of the
book. The mantra goes like this: “One wants to satisfy one’s desire for
recognition. But conducting oneself in such a way as not to be disliked by
anyone is an extremely unfree way of living and is also impossible.” You wouldn’t
concern yourself with what one thinks of you. Change occurs. Relationship
repairs itself. When an interpersonal relationship feels heavy, it’s a signal that
one should start holding the cards.
I am the centre, is it so? This is what the Fourth
Night deals with. What is the concept of I, and is I separate from emotion?
Adler was against any kind of proposition that separated ‘mind from the body,
reason from emotion or the conscious mind from the unconscious mind.’ You
cannot separate ‘I ‘from the ‘emotion’. Adler views ‘I as a whole’ that cannot
be broken into parts. This concept is called ‘holism’. What’s your place of
refuge? Do you see people as your comrades? I found lines worth quoting: “…a
way of living in which one is constantly troubled by how one is seen by others
is a self-centred lifestyle in which one’s sole concern is with the ‘I’. You
are not the centre of the world, and thus one must make a switch from ‘attachment
to self’ to ‘concern for others.’ There is always a larger community than one’s
immediate community, and one mustn’t limit oneself.
I wouldn’t lie that I didn’t lose track of what I was reading. The pace differed with each chapter. The slow progression of arguments at times killed the verve of absorbing the learning. By the time I came to ‘The Fifth Night’, I felt light after some gruelling episodes. A feeling of positivity isn’t some grand performance, but accepting oneself as is. It is “moving forward so that one can do whatever one can.” We don't always lack ability, but we just lack courage. In the face of an existential crisis, always realise, ‘I am of use to someone.’ Self-reliance and confidence in others are key to attesting one’s worth and living in harmony. At last, a series of moments lived in here and now and in earnest are goals one should attain. It is not a simple read but an engrossing one and also a tiring one in a good way. Take some time off and grab a copy to pause and reflect on life from here onwards.